That time has come...

Nothing really interesting going on as of today...Charmer and I watched Rent sunday night, it was actually a very touching movie, i can't believe i never watched it before!! we also talked a lot about eachother, and us. I expressed how i was concerned about not being able to fit into his life, he assured me he'd make time. I believe him...

Yesterday, Charmer and CEO came up to see me at work, it was fun, i was all giddy waiting for him to get there!! He has me feeling like a schoolgirl!! We then met up at my moms place and had a few drinks before we went out, i told him i wanted both of us to get tested...yes, im ready to take things further with him. But not until he asks me to be his....(i like having the title, not sure why, its comforting) And honestly, i have never used a condom when having sex, i only went all the way with Choch, so there was never any need to...and i dont plan on using one with Charmer, not for the physical part of it, the emotional....knowing that he is inside of me, no barrier between our bodies, staring in my eyes.... and thats why i dont go all the way with other guys, i hold it to such a high standard, on a pedestal almost. So on thursday we'll see what happens when we go get tested.

Am i worried? not really..but then again, i never thought id be the one who got herpes from receiving oral sex (thats another long story) but yea i have herpes. i felt dirty, ashamed, slutty. I still do, but Charmer was completely open to it and didn't judge me at all, i damn near felt like rubber when i told him the other night i was so nervous..

Back to last night, we arrived at the club, good crowd, good music, etc. We had fun, Charmer is pretty good on his feet, i was pleasantly surprised, Choch couldn't dance if his life depended on it, hahahaha. It was refreshing to see someone keep up with me. In confidence I asked Charmer's friend Idol if he falls this hard for other guys...his answer didn't make me happy. Knowing he falls this hard for others so often makes the chemistry between us feel cheapened. I wonder if his feelings are shallow - like he is in love with the idea of falling in love...this makes me nervous. He is so new to everything I feel like I am walking on eggshells with him at all times. What I say, what i do, how i carry myself. It almost feels like im having to keep one eye on him to read his face for any distaste he sees in me when I am just being me. I like him so much I am afraid of doing something that will send him running for the hills. But this is me, flaws and all, either take it or leave it i suppose. I don't think i could handle a rejection now after everything else that has been going on these past few months, i'll briefly list my recent drama contributing to my near Mariah Carey mental breakdown...

Cheating on Choch (1 time)

Breaking up with him bc of the guilt

Moving out

Car getting keyed (twice!)

Car and cell phone getting taken away at work with police involved

Herpes

Trying to fix things with Choch then sadly disappointed, thus realizing i cheated for a damn good reason and was right to leave him

Choch taunting me at work, calling my mother, sisters, and emailing us

Car getting broken into

Car needing $1,500 in repairs (aside from being keyed)

Lack of interest in work, i feel i am going nowhere, almost in a rut if u will..

So yea, u can see the depth of my crumbling personal life, but being with Charmer, makes it all go away. And as soon as leaves, it comes slowly creeping back. Don't get me wrong he is not a distraction for me. Not at all...it's different..i almost can't put it into words...his gaze makes me lost, somewhere no one can touch me, just his hands. The warmth of his body next to mine when we sleep feels amazing. His kiss....oh god his kiss...it just flows with such perfection.

Damnit i hate this, lol.