That time has come...

Nothing really interesting going on as of today...Charmer and I watched Rent sunday night, it was actually a very touching movie, i can't believe i never watched it before!! we also talked a lot about eachother, and us. I expressed how i was concerned about not being able to fit into his life, he assured me he'd make time. I believe him...

Yesterday, Charmer and CEO came up to see me at work, it was fun, i was all giddy waiting for him to get there!! He has me feeling like a schoolgirl!! We then met up at my moms place and had a few drinks before we went out, i told him i wanted both of us to get tested...yes, im ready to take things further with him. But not until he asks me to be his....(i like having the title, not sure why, its comforting) And honestly, i have never used a condom when having sex, i only went all the way with Choch, so there was never any need to...and i dont plan on using one with Charmer, not for the physical part of it, the emotional....knowing that he is inside of me, no barrier between our bodies, staring in my eyes.... and thats why i dont go all the way with other guys, i hold it to such a high standard, on a pedestal almost. So on thursday we'll see what happens when we go get tested.

Am i worried? not really..but then again, i never thought id be the one who got herpes from receiving oral sex (thats another long story) but yea i have herpes. i felt dirty, ashamed, slutty. I still do, but Charmer was completely open to it and didn't judge me at all, i damn near felt like rubber when i told him the other night i was so nervous..

Back to last night, we arrived at the club, good crowd, good music, etc. We had fun, Charmer is pretty good on his feet, i was pleasantly surprised, Choch couldn't dance if his life depended on it, hahahaha. It was refreshing to see someone keep up with me. In confidence I asked Charmer's friend Idol if he falls this hard for other guys...his answer didn't make me happy. Knowing he falls this hard for others so often makes the chemistry between us feel cheapened. I wonder if his feelings are shallow - like he is in love with the idea of falling in love...this makes me nervous. He is so new to everything I feel like I am walking on eggshells with him at all times. What I say, what i do, how i carry myself. It almost feels like im having to keep one eye on him to read his face for any distaste he sees in me when I am just being me. I like him so much I am afraid of doing something that will send him running for the hills. But this is me, flaws and all, either take it or leave it i suppose. I don't think i could handle a rejection now after everything else that has been going on these past few months, i'll briefly list my recent drama contributing to my near Mariah Carey mental breakdown...

Cheating on Choch (1 time)

Breaking up with him bc of the guilt

Moving out

Car getting keyed (twice!)

Car and cell phone getting taken away at work with police involved

Herpes

Trying to fix things with Choch then sadly disappointed, thus realizing i cheated for a damn good reason and was right to leave him

Choch taunting me at work, calling my mother, sisters, and emailing us

Car getting broken into

Car needing $1,500 in repairs (aside from being keyed)

Lack of interest in work, i feel i am going nowhere, almost in a rut if u will..

So yea, u can see the depth of my crumbling personal life, but being with Charmer, makes it all go away. And as soon as leaves, it comes slowly creeping back. Don't get me wrong he is not a distraction for me. Not at all...it's different..i almost can't put it into words...his gaze makes me lost, somewhere no one can touch me, just his hands. The warmth of his body next to mine when we sleep feels amazing. His kiss....oh god his kiss...it just flows with such perfection.

Damnit i hate this, lol.

P.S. I Like Him

Well well well, last night and today turned out to be quite eventful if i do say so myself....wait i dont want to get ahead of myself...just read on and you'll see....

I met up with Charmer last night and we went to a bonfire at his friends place, it was fun, we were all drinkin, dancing, eating, socializing....u know good times!!! Next thing I know my bottle of vodka for myself and Charmer is gone and were in a quad-kiss with 2 girls, lol!!!! Skip ahead to 4 am and were both naked, grinding on eachother like its the last time were allowed to have sex. He wanted to go all the way, and as much I wanted to, I have only done that with Choch....I feel that letting someone inside of me is deeply intimate and personal, I didn't want it to be some drunken happeneing with Charmer. (Not to mention, he is hung like a horse) In time, yes, I am sure we will cross that milestone, he seems perfect in everyway....our little messing romp last night was intense and purely satisfying, it was like someone gave him a manual to my body to study before we met, lol.

On a comical side note, amidst our drunken passion, he called out the wrong name, lol....i did a bit of research tho and consulted his best friend of 4 years named CEO, he swore to me that Charmer has never known someone by that name and that he called me that earlier this week while he was on the phone with him also. (phew)

So this morning as my alarm went off at 7:15am (mind you i didnt fall asleep until 5) we layed in bed for a while, and he just held me. Our naked bodies entwined in eachother felt complete. This is more than lust to me now. Even from the first night i met him i felt a stronger attraction to him than just lust. It is almost like I crave him, I was all smiles today at work!!! Everyone was wondering why I had "that glow" to me today....ay me, how I am falling for Charmer so....

As i arrived at work, chipper as could be with a bad hangover and 2 hours of sleep, it felt my day couldnt have been interuppted, then Choch comes walking in. I felt a instant pang in my stomach. My hands started shaking. How could he have the audacity to come to my work when he was specifically told not to by my superior bc of his interference with my work.

Just over a month ago Choch came into my work and demanded my car (it was in his name however i paid for it, i have horrible credit so we had that arrangement) i refused, then he called the police and they politely asked me to, stating however that was a civil issue and i didnt have to if i didnt want to. I did, just get him off my back...

Back to Choch walking in, I immediately called my supervisor to let her know he was roaming the store. She approcahed him and told him if he was here to cause problems, then the door is right there. Choch claimed he wasn't but we all know better. He shopped around for about 15 minutes and made his way out, I refused to even look him in the eye. That chapter of my life with him is over, I have since turned the page. I know deep down he feels that I want to get back together with him, or else he wouldn't be taunting me like this. And I'm not bothered by it because he thinks he's hurting me, which is quite the contrary. I am bothered by it because I want to be left alone, there is no salvaging even a friendship out of it, we both hurt eachother a lot, and that is that, no attachemtns, no contact, its all i want.

So yea, i like Charmer, a lot - and I feel myself falling hard for him. Oh god this kid has got me sprung!!!! I can't wait to see him again!!! His hair, his eyes, his kiss, his touch....it drives me absolutely insane!!!!

Hungover, Rambled Update.

Ok so last night i met up with Charmer - we pregamed it with friend of mine, Hollywood. We then went clubbing and had a blast, and afterward we came back here and cuddled!!! (awww) it felt so nice sleeping next to him, he held me all night. God this boy has me sprung!!!!! I am deathly afraid of scaring him off though with him being newer and all. He hasn't been in a gay relationship yet. A lot of this stuff is new to him. All I know is that last night, while lying in his arms i felt at peace, like i could finally exhale. For the first time in a couple months i felt, just for one second, that everything was going to be alright.

So here's the bitch - he just started a 2nd job and in a few weeks he goes back to school, thank god its a local one. But 2 jobs, and college? I'm not trying to make wedding plans or anything but i wonder where i'll fit in if he decides to get serious with me. Last night after clubbing i very drunkenly asked him when is he going to ask me to be his boyfriend...he said "soon, but you're already mine" i felt like i was going to melt right there. He says things that just mesmerize me...

Back to reality, i wake up this morning after Charmer went to work, and my younger sister, Cassie, tells me that Choch text messaged her last night saying "see you in two weeks at the baptism!!" I felt like crying, now I have to worry about him coming to my niece's baptism and stalking me, I honestly feel a little nervous about him, I had to change my number twice last week bc he found it out, the 2nd time he got my new number in a matter of minutes of me changing it. No worries, though, he cant get it now. However he has come up to my work and tries to keep in touch with my friends to find out what I am up to. This makes me feel extremely threatened and I do worry somewhat about my future well-being. Only to find out that I cannot file a restraining order because "Psychological battering, economical abuse, and harassment without mention of physical harm is not defined by that State of ********** as domestic violence/stalking."

I need my night and shining armor, oh how i miss Charmer so...maybe when we meet up tonight he can calm my fears...

p.s. Charmer is moving at the pace of a Special Olympic Hurdler when it comes to sex. Damn i want him so bad!!!! I dont mind waiting though, it'll make it all worthwhile in the end.

Falling Hard, Falling Fast

So this morning I decided to purchase 2 tickets to a comedic show coming here in October. Charmer told me he loved this comedian to find out that I also love this comedian too. He was stoked when I told him I bought the tickets for us. He then asked me to go camping with him next weekend. Him, his friends and his (eeeek!) EX-GIRLFIREND?!?!?!

To answer your question, yes he is bisexual (ugh) I told myself I would never date someone who is bi...he is changing my mind though. From what I know of him so far, he is a complete sweetheart. We had a long talk last night, bottom line, he told me if he is in a relationship with someone, then that's who he's with. It did qualm my fears about being left for a woman, how horrible would that be?? I don't understand bisexuality, I always believed sexual preference was black or white. He is a newbie though, freshly out of the closet to some, his own father doesn't know yet. What am I setting myself up for? I'm not sure, but he seems to be worth the risk. He cooked dinner for my mother and I last night!! What a gentleman!!!

Pleased to meet me.

All blogs have to start somewhere...right? Let me setup the back story...

My name is L, pleased to meet you. I am young, attractive gay man living in a big city with a solid job but a crumbling personal life. I am just out of a 4 year relationship that ended with more bitterness than a 10 year old's batch of homemade cookies. His name, well, we'll call him Choch, haha, that sounds fitting. Through my blogs, more and more of my past with Choch will come to light, I dare not give him anymore weight to my first blog. Since then however, I have met a new man, named Charmer...we'll see how it goes with him, we just met this week and I already have a strong attachment to him, you know, the butterflies!!

I work for one of the world's foremost, fashion forward retail company that is rapidly expanding. I am currently unhappy in my position and have since been looking for work elsewhere. Dont get me wrong, i do truly love my job, just not where I'm at at this time. I am unsure whether to credit this to my personal problems I had when breaking up with Choch...all will be told in due time I'm sure.

This blog will be my escape from reality, when in all actuality, it is me who be reliving it as i type it out to you. Paradoxical isn't it? For a idea what to expect from my blogs, my friends right now tell me I am in a whirlwind of drama, disaster, and drinking. We'll see if I make it out unscathed. So here's to you, reader, my life...unscripted.